I created my blog when Lilly was about 6 months old. The truth was that I was struggling. I was in my early 30’s and had given up a full time job that on most days I really enjoyed. I worked in Urology for 8 years, and primary care for 2 years before I left to stay home with Lilly. Not only did i have a job, I was active with a local community theatre, Dan and I had a decent social life and was two pant sizes smaller. So after Lilly was born and I got over the initial baby blues, I couldn’t figure out why I was still struggling. Then it hit me, I had lost everything that had made me, me. I had lost my identity. Singing show tunes at the top of my lungs in the shower(on days when I got a shower) wasn’t replacing the ache I felt from missing out on doing actual theatre; and online shopping was not filling the void of going to work and earning my own money.
The truth is being a stay at home mom/parent is not easy. Its full of sacrifice. I often tell myself that I am lucky I get to stay home, when so many other women don’t get to have that choice. After all, I am constantly met with comments like, ” oh, must be nice: or “what did you do today? Anything”, or “what do you do all day”. However, just because I don’t punch a clock doesn’t mean I’m not constantly busy. In fact, as I try to type this I have my toddler asking me to fix the television that suddenly stopped streaming and my 4 month old whining because she wants to be picked up. My time, is no longer my own.
As if being a mom of a toddler wasn’t hard enough, I now have a infant. I love my children with all my heart, however that doesn’t stop the fact that all day long I am dealing with someone who requires constant attention and someone who demands it. A constant push and pull that leaves no time for my needs. plus toddlers are possibly sociopaths…or at least have multi-personality disorder. You know the sour patch commercials? first they are sour, then they are sweet?? well this is absolutely true. think of the most sour lemon and then soak it in gasoline. Now, think of your favorite ice cream flavor on a warm summer day…get the picture? Sometimes they are full of laughter and kindness that can melt your heart and other times they are screaming at the top of their lungs and attempting to swing at you because you said they can’t have cookies for breakfast. Then you throw in a new baby….oh and as if thats not hard enough lets dump on a worldwide pandemic. Getting out of the house before was a challenge but it was doable, in a pandemic with a new baby it isn’t happening, for obvious reasons.
So what does that mean? well, when Lilly was younger taking her places by myself wasn’t always easy but it was doable. whether it was the grocery store or mall or even to my own doctor appointments, (something that my husband will never have to experience). it still allowed us time out of the house. Well, now thats not possible. Since Hadley was born, she has left the house for her doctor appointments, trips to my parents house and one trip to Target….one! Most weeks my groceries are delivered. So even the task i used to loathe of grocery shopping, I now desperately miss. Every two weeks I get my nails done. Is this a luxury? Perhaps…after all someone once told me my nails didn’t look like the nails of a stay at home mom…(a comment that I clearly am still not over). However, thats 45 minutes out of the house by myself twice a month….can you imagine that? only getting two small breaks a month? most months thats my reality.
Then there is the day to day tasks. Things like cooking, cleaning, showering and even going to the bathroom. What is better than taking a hot shower??? its literally one of my favorite things to do. Maybe you put on your favorite playlist??? light a fall candle?? sounds soooo nice. Let me paint the picture of what my showers look like these days. To have the kind of shower I described above, I would have to wait until night time when both kids are asleep. So my shower time looks like this. I will place Hadley in her bouncer directly outside of the shower and Lilly and I will get in. She will play while I quickly wash my hair and shave so I can get out before Hadley starts having a melt down. Then I have to plead with Lilly to let me wash her without her having a melt down and asking to get out. I need her to stay in, so that I can get out of the shower and wash Hadley in her Fisher price bathtub on the floor of the bathroom. All while the soundtrack of “T.O.T.S” plays in the background. Get the picture??? Now add the constant picking up of toys and cleaning tons of bottles every day, just to do again the very next day. The lack of adult conversation and stimulation and privacy..its enough to make anyone lose their mind.
So, what is the point of this blog post? To complain? to vent? Its actually just to show that the grass is not always greener on the other side. So the next time you look at a stay at home mom and think “it must be nice”, think about this: She is dealing with many more melt downs and fits than a working mom. She has a constant to-do list that is endless because she cannot manage to get any task completed without being interrupted several times. She is doing this all with out breaks, vacation time, sick/personal time and pay. Its a thankless job thats exhausting and she doesn’t even have weekends off to decompress. So be kind to stay at home moms. Instead of saying anytime you need a break let me know. Or if you need any help let me know…because I can tell you they will most likely not accept it. Not because they don’t want it or because they don’t need it. Its because these are blanket statements. Instead, try this: How about this Wednesday I come over at this specific time and you can go do so on and so forth. Or, this Friday I’ll take the kids so you can get a date night. I wont even get started on the amount of alone time Dan and I have had over the past 6 months. Thats another blog post for another day. So in conclusion, be kind to one another and give stay at home moms a break, they are dealing with far more than you realize.