Real Talk- Body Image, Negative Self Talk and Weight

This is a very difficult post to write. However I think its something that a lot of women go through and something that should be talked about. I am talking about body image, weight and negative self talk. My whole life I have struggled with my weight or my perception of my body. Now that I have a daughter, this is not a trait that I want to pass down to her.

Lets start from the beginning. Middle School can be a hard time for a lot of kids. I think this is the fist time I took notice to the way the world and a good portion of society judges beauty. The girls in my grade that got the attention from the guys were not necessarily the prettiest, they were thin. It made me question myself and my own body during an age that is already awkward and hard enough. I ended up thinning out while in high school, however during my freshman and sophomore years of college I ended up gaining weight. I ended up losing it my junior year of college due to a combination of doing weight watchers, and a horrible breakup. For the next couple years my weight stayed pretty consistent. Then it went up again and then down and then up again until January of 2015 when my mother and I decided to join weigh watchers again to lose weight before my wedding that October. I ended up getting married weighing 117 pounds, which was one of the lowest weights I’ve ever been as an adult. The funny thing is that that even at this weight I still saw flaws when I looked in the mirror. I remember being on our honeymoon and comparing myself to the other women by the pool. Having to mentally prepare myself every time I wanted to get off my lounge chair and walk over to the water. Sucking in my stomach every time I did it. There is this funny quote that says “I wish I was as thin as when I thought I was fat”. I now understand that quote more than ever.

When I got pregnant with Lilly I was at a decent weight. During my pregnancy, I of course gained weight, but nothing excessive. In fact besides my face being a little fuller, I was all belly. In my later stages of pregnancy I didn’t mind how I looked. When I was 6 month pregnant we took a trip to Hawaii and I wore a bikini by the pool. After Lilly was born I remember feeling confident in the way my body was looking after a couple weeks postpartum. However, by the six to ten week mark I was feeling discouraged and even as if I had gained some weight. This is when I realized something. I was now a stay at home mom and my life was now way more stagnant than it had been when I was working full time. Even though I technically had a desk job, I was constantly up and down and walking around. Now, I was at home, it was in the middle of winter and I had a newborn. This is still a struggle I have.

  

I recently discovered a blogger named Sarah who has a blog called “Sassy red lipstick“. She is plus size and uses her platform to promote body positivity. I recently read a post where she talks about how to feel more confident in a swimsuit. I read it while on vacation and in need of advice on the subject because I was struggling with feeling insecure. She said something that made a lot of sense. She said that when your feeling self conscious, it can feel like everyone is staring at you when in reality its in your head. She also said that most people are just focused on having fun at the pool and they are not thinking about you. This helped a little bit, however negative self talk is something that is really hard to fight, especially when you have had years and years of it. Like I said earlier, even on my honeymoon while at my thinest I was still thinking about sucking in my stomach. Now that I am a mom. I have extra weight that has been extremely hard to get off and a flabby midsection with extra skin that wasn’t there before either.

When we made the decision to go on our recent trip I began diligently watching what I ate and working out everyday. Doing a combination of Cardio and strength training. I did it for the month leading up to our trip. Now the old me would say this isn’t working, but the new me understands that nothing happens over night.

More so than losing weight, I want to like myself. I want to be kinder to myself. I don’t want to constantly compare myself to others. I have heard a lot of other bloggers use this specific phrase when talking about the success of your blog, “comparison is the thief of joy”. This statement can be applied to everyday life as well as body image. I may never look like the typical thin blogger, but I can learn to like myself more and by doing that teach my daughter to have confidence and use positive talk when it comes to her body. If anything, I don’t want her to ever feel like she is not enough. It starts with me. Its my responsibility as her mother to make her see her self worth and a lot of that starts with the way I talk about myself in front of her. When you examine the bigger picture it helps to start changing your own perspective. So I guess in conclusion, I’m a work in progress. I don’t have all the answers, I just know I want and need to be stronger for myself and my daughter so that she can grow up appreciating who she is and how God made her. In a world that is already so difficult for young girls, the last thing I want to do is add to it with my own insecurities.